Car won't start ...pretty lights ... flat battery?

My car is not getting a lot of use at the moment, so I've been expecting to find a drained battery at some point. Though never having a flat battery in the 996 I wasn't sure of the exact symptoms. On turning the key I'm treated to an interesting dancing light show (seems like every bulb on the display and hazzard lights) accompanying a rythmic clicking noise. Like the sort of thing you see in the movies when some poor sap is about to be taken onboard an alien space craft and probed. Having not lost my memory for any part of the day, and being perfectly capable of sitting down, I was about to attach the battery to the trickle charger. I just thought I would check the symptoms with the gang first ... any thoughts? Cheers.

I get treated to the same light and noise show when my battery is flat, so i think your diagnosis is spot on :wink: Last time i also got the spoiler going up and down, which added amusement! :shock:

Thanks mate. So undignified though ... The old air-cooled just used to go "click!"

Ditto to that, but did you get the window dance !

I had a new battery installed in mine when up at 9M. It had given up on life. Only just got it started to go up to them for the cage install. You can tell the difference when starting. New battery turns the starter over much faster! YAY!

Doh! This will teach me for being a lazy bugg3r. Didn't get round to charging, and now the alarm has started going off :roll: Battery is sooo flat that everything has shut down, and I'm totally locked out of the front compartment, so I can't disconnect the sodding thing. Nice man from Porsche assistance is on his way as we speak

It is a flat battery. There is a way into the bonnet even when battery is flat - search on pistonheads

I think its mentioned within the manual. Information from manual as follows: " Emergency unlocking of luggage compartment lid and engine compartment lid. If battery is dischaged, the lids can be opened only with the aid of a donor battery. 1- Use the key to unlock the vehilce at the door lock. Leave the key in the door lock. 2- remove plastic cover from the fuse box 3- pull out postive terminal A in the fuse box 4- use a jump lead to connect the positive terminal of the donor battery with postive terminal A in the fuse box. " Diagram and further notes illustrated under "Practical tips, minor repairs " or if you have the same manaul version (WKD 996 020 03 )... Page 182

Thanks for the tips. Doesn't appear to be in the earlier 996 manual. Sounds quite simple, though the Assistance guy is on route now. I'll just feign ignorance when he gets here (shouldn't be too hard :wink: )

Interesting ... Plan A. The Porsche assistance guy attempted to get into the front compartment first by charging through the lighter socket. No joy there. Plan B was to connect a remote battery to the terminal on the fuse box (as generally suggested). No such terminal exists on my car, and presumably why this procedure is not described in my manual. Plan C. Get a hook around the compartment boot release cable via the wheel arch ... a ***** to get to. Plan D. Pump up the gap between the rear PSU and tail light and get a hook on the engine compartment release cable ... success. Car started by using the jump points in the engine bay

have a similar problem but don't think the battery is flat more like it was opened after no use for five days with the remote, being a mechanical ingnoramous, does this mean I have to jump it. I wondered if it was going to the little place in the sky until I logged on to see the electrical dance is normal, particulary enjoyed th windows. the manual now suggests it is in standby function but offers no solution, help please, big trip for New Years and don't want to be in the diesel alternative. Dave

I thought standby was just when not used for 5 days you can not open the car remotely and need to put key in door to open. Flashing lights and clicking is run down battery.

dballagh, sounds like you also have a flat battery. As Jason says, the standby function just means that you have to unlock the car with the key instead of the remote, but should start without any problem. You should probably get a charge on that battery before it goes too flat and locks you out completely (see previous posts )

Thanks to all who responded, first problem in 12 months of ownership of my 1998 996 cab so a bit nervous about killing it. The forum makes great reading. I now have some very valuable info. Many thanks